A Country Practice

	  		
Intro D Bm D Bm 


verse 1 

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I feel like a beggar accepting alms, then being pelted with figs. 
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I study my steadily declining chart placings; they greet me with freezing cold inhospitality, 
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Hey, where did that bloke go who said I was vital? 
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I possess the mild air of a retail tobacconist, that’s because I’m a retail tobacconist 
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But the mayflies on a Berkshire trout river would probably tell you a different story 
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About ham-fisted diadems and momentary daydreams 
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Of mythical dividends and illusory boardroom seats. 


Instrumental 

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verse 2 

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In the room festooned with fat beef certificates from county shows 
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Duff Leg Bryn had drank too much again, most of Wem was steering clear of him 
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 “I’ve got no time for this twelfth consecutive Rose Bowl” 
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‘Cos on Sunday next at ten to four I’ve got an invitation for 
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A trip round Kathrine Hamnett’s warehouse, followed by dinner with David Emanuel 
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Who I can’t wait to tell about my dream in which the almost illegal Elton Welsby 
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Is dressed as a French maid on a moonless byway, licking his lips as he creeps ever closer 
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Fast falls the eventide, fast falls the eventide. 


Instrumental 

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verse 3 

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The public appearance of bitter ex-soap stars 
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Who thought they could go on and do other things besides 
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The Centre Court amusement at the ballboy’s mishap 
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That bobbing up and down thing that they do at the Proms 
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Opinionated weather forecasters telling me it’s going to be a miserable day 
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Miserable to who? I quite like a bit of drizzle, so stick to the facts. 


Instrumental 

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verse 4 

Em                            D               Em                    D 
Channel Four presents “Blowjob” introduced by Adrian and Sophie Horn 
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Who is of course one bloke with a pierced dick who’s just had the nod from Planet 24. 
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Hear him say “surreal, bizarre, sad git, yes indeedy, completely and utterly 
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Footy, anorak and respect” before whipping the audience up into doing the Time Warp. 
Em                             D 
Watch him take us live to “The Queen’s Arse and Firkin” 
      Em                            D 
Where Joseph Bloggs And His Amazing Technicolor Shellsuit 
    Em                          D 
Are about to abort their Steely Dan routine 
            Em                             D                    Em D 
And instead embark upon fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah. 


Bridge 

N.C. 
Fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah. 
N.C. 
Fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah. 

Em                   D                               Em 
Adrian stroke Sophie wants us, the viewers to ring in 
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And say how we think the punters will react. 
Em                    D                Em 
These are a few of my favourite things. 


Instrumental 

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Verse 5 

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I’m incredibly bored with the word “millennium” 
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 I’m with the Jehovah’s Witnesses. 
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Millions now earmarked will later be wasted 
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Her Majesty, marvellous, Mother – The Musical. 
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The fireworks lighting up the Houses of Parliament 
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Death in Trafalgar Square, death in the armchair 
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Of clichéd old spinsters who’ve never been loved. 


Verse 6 

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Every day is Australia Day, “Sons and Daughters” and “Home and Away” 
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And then the news comes on and the sound goes down 
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‘Cos she can’t be bothered with all them politicians 
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They’re all just a bunch of flaming drongo’s. 

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She died with her telly on, eighty-seven and confused 
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With not enough hospital beds ‘cos all the money’s been used 
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On the end of the century party preparations 
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And they reckon that the last thing she saw in her life was 
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Sting singing on the roof of the Barbican, Sting singing on the roof of the Barbican. 


Instrumental 

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Outro 

E                               A                          E 
T for Toxteth, T for Tennessee; T for Toxteth, T for Tennessee 
B7                                                 E 
T for Thatcher, that girl hath made a wreck out of me. 
                  B7              E             B7 
Old lady labelled me an idle, old lady labelled me an idle 
    E             B7             E    A      E    A      E     A  E 
Old lady labelled me an idle layabout.   Layabout.   Layabout.